Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Operation "Adonis" may be the death of me...

It's scary to think I could be unfit for the rest of my life...

... because there is a strong chance I will die this afternoon.

My 'Fitness Appraisal' at the gym went well, with Ollie (my Fitness Instructor) displaying the correct amount of compassion and disdain to urge me on to healthiness. We agreed that I needed to improve my endurance and general fitness through some cardio work, and wrote down a routine for me.

I assume working with the overweight/lazy/ignorant all day would drive one to find amusement wherever possible. This would explain his delight in prescribing marathon level(1) workouts on assorted equipment, every day. Or he is an extremely blood-shy assassin, trying to trigger a heart attack.

My circuit is thus:
Run, Solo. Run.
  • Cross Trainer - 10 minutes at Level 5, staying above 60RPM.

    Never used a cross trainer? Me neither. Essentially, it allows you to endure the pain of running without the pleasure of ever getting anywhere. To compensate for the low impact on your knees and ankles, the Cross Trainer has two handles that constantly try to break your nose.

    The 'level' signifies the amount of resistance - 1 being normal running, and 10 being encased in Carbonite.
  • Rowing Machine - 4 x 200 meters. Under 2 minutes each, with 1 minute break.

    My legs feel like jelly, so a machine based on upper body strength sounds good. Unfortunately, 2 minutes is not long, and 200 meters in a boat is ages. Especially without an engine. I mean, really; who rows boats anymore? With an entire peleton of stationary cyclists watching, I began rowing my way through the gym.

    Thankfully, my technique got better as I went along, and my times improved - the last stint was finished in 1:57, but then my arms fell off and burst into flames.

    •  Stationary Cycle - 10 minutes @ Level 5, 30 seconds at 110rpm, 30 seconds at 70rpm alternating.

      Like the Cross Trainer, this instrument of pain keeps you staring at a wall while you desperately try to throw yourself through it. I spent my time here debating whether sitting on a cactus would be more comfortable than the oddly shaped seat; this helped distract myself from the twin pillars of pain that were my legs.

      My heart rate peaked at around 135bpm on the bike, which burst several important blood vessels. Judging by the roaring noise in my ears, I suspect my eardrums also exploded.
      Stationary Cycling - It's nothing like Tron.
    • The Meat Grinder - 10 minutes @ Level 5, 2 minutes at 60rpm, 1 minute at rest

      I actually have no idea what this contraption was called, but 'Meat Grinder' seems the most appropriate. Basically, you stand in front of an oversized fishing reel with two handles, and attempt to spin them. Think of riding a bicycle with your hands - except less comfortable.

      Again with the Level thing. Level 1 being easy, Level 10 feels like trying to reel in a Cargo Ship. About 30 seconds in, I started using my body weight and hips to help twist the accursed machine. I cried my way until 5 minutes, then admitted defeat.

    On the upside, my eating habits have cleaned up significantly and I have way more energy. Huzzah!

    Coupled with swimming in the morning, and going for a longish walk at night, I should be in the clear soon enough.

    (1) Perhaps not a proper marathon. Definitely more than a movie marathon though...


    1. And your arms still worked well enough to type this. Very impressed! Well done :)

    2. You are a legend Scotty, I needed a good laugh at your expense ; ) Keep up the good, if painful, workouts : ) It won't happen overnight.......